Today as I was waiting at a red light at an intersection, traffic in all directions was halted by an approaching ambulance. As I heard the sirens and watched the flashing lights drive past, I was reminded of a day in my life that changed who I was forever. The morning that I was taken in an ambulance after falling to the floor of my apartment for an unknown reason. The day I had a stroke.
Sometimes an ambulance or emergency vehicle passes by me and I don't give it a second thought. Other times, like today, I have flashbacks of that morning. I remember not being able to communicate with my parents over the phone. I remember strangers practically breaking in the door to get to me. I remember going in and out of consciousness in the ambulance. I remember waking up in the ER, seeing a bright light, and hearing the voices of angels calling my name.
It's sometimes hard for me to remember my recovery time in the hospital, it's all a blur, but I will never forget that morning.
Today those memories played over and over in my head. For many months, possibly years, after my stroke, I tried to push those memories out of my head. I didn't want to remember. But I now realize, that those memories have greatly shaped me into the person that I today.
They're memories that are very hard for me to rehash and hard for me to share. But every once in awhile, they come to mind. At those times, it is very plain to see that life can change in an instant and we should never take a minute of it for granted.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Monday, July 15, 2013
Putting Things in Perspective
This evening we were at my in-laws house to celebrate my father-in-law's birthday. While we were there, I was chatting with my brother-in-law about Mia's upcoming surgery. At the end of our conversation about the surgery, he said, "well, no matter what, we have to consider ourselves lucky for what we have." And he's right. I'm so lucky to have Mia. No matter how many surgeries she has to undergo. No matter how many doctor's appointments we have to attend. No matter the fact that her heart only has two working chambers, I'm lucky. I have a beautiful, happy, amazing daughter. Mia, Izzy and Art are my everything. I am lucky.
Mia's third open heart surgery is 2 months from Wednesday. It has been on my mind constantly lately. Earlier today I read a blog post about the third HLHS surgery called the Fontan. It was a success story. Usually I find that I'm reading Fontan stories about kids with not very happy endings, this story was just the opposite. It was refreshing. It gave me hope. It put my mind at ease a little bit. The story was about a little girl about Mia's age when she had her Fontan. She was in the hospital for 8 days and has recovered wonderfully. The family is now 2 years post Fontan and living a pretty "normal" life.
Ever since we made the decision of when Mia's surgery will be, I have questioned whether or not we made the right choice. Mostly because of her age. She won't even be 2 yet. The surgery is exactly a month from her 2nd birthday. But the story I read today also opened my eyes to see that I DO think we made the right choice and that there are other kids out there that have had the surgery at a younger age.
There is a fellow heart mom in our town whose daughter is having her Fontan tomorrow. Her daughter is a little over 2 years old. I share their fears. Tomorrow they will be embarking on something that very few parents can understand. I understand. While there I days when I wish over and over that I didn't understand, that I was clueless to what some families go through, today I consider myself lucky to have that understanding. No matter what happens in two months, I have a beautiful, happy, amazing daughter. I have my Mia, and I am lucky.
Mia's third open heart surgery is 2 months from Wednesday. It has been on my mind constantly lately. Earlier today I read a blog post about the third HLHS surgery called the Fontan. It was a success story. Usually I find that I'm reading Fontan stories about kids with not very happy endings, this story was just the opposite. It was refreshing. It gave me hope. It put my mind at ease a little bit. The story was about a little girl about Mia's age when she had her Fontan. She was in the hospital for 8 days and has recovered wonderfully. The family is now 2 years post Fontan and living a pretty "normal" life.
Ever since we made the decision of when Mia's surgery will be, I have questioned whether or not we made the right choice. Mostly because of her age. She won't even be 2 yet. The surgery is exactly a month from her 2nd birthday. But the story I read today also opened my eyes to see that I DO think we made the right choice and that there are other kids out there that have had the surgery at a younger age.
There is a fellow heart mom in our town whose daughter is having her Fontan tomorrow. Her daughter is a little over 2 years old. I share their fears. Tomorrow they will be embarking on something that very few parents can understand. I understand. While there I days when I wish over and over that I didn't understand, that I was clueless to what some families go through, today I consider myself lucky to have that understanding. No matter what happens in two months, I have a beautiful, happy, amazing daughter. I have my Mia, and I am lucky.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Happy Girls
The other day the girls and I were playing dress up. They were having so much fun. I love seeing huge smiles on their faces. Every day is dress up day for Izzy, but Mia doesn't usually like to dress up. Well she couldn't get enough of it that day!
They also loved having their picture taken to show the results. Cracked me up that as soon as I pointed the camera at them, they both started saying "cheese" and posing. Love them so much!
Monday, June 24, 2013
Growing Up
I've been thinking a lot lately about how my girls are growing up so fast. A few days ago I had to go through Izzy's old size 3T clothes to find shirts for Mia to wear. Izzy had her first soccer game last week and will be starting pre-k in the fall. It's already going too fast. It's been going too fast since the day they were born.
While they continue to grow, so do I. It's crazy to me that Art and I just celebrated our 7 year wedding anniversary and in a month I'll be 32. Some days I feel like I've aged way more than I should have at this point in my life. Other days, I feel like I have a long way to go in my growing up process. I still get angry too quickly and I still "pout" when I don't get my way. But I also now know what it means to be a wife and mother. While I might get angry to quickly, I cherish the moments during the day when I get to sit back and relax (they're few and far between these days)! And while I may be slightly disappointed that I've traded a shopping spree for Kids Day at Centerra, I love seeing my girls smile when they're having pure fun.
The priorities have changed and so have I. Sometimes I lose sight of the things that make me happy and I don't know why. I have three constant reminders staring at me each and every day. I have a wonderful husband that worked hard to find a job for both of us to do from home so that we could spend more time together. I have a spunky four year old that mimics my every move because she looks up to me. And I have my precious 19 month old that wishes I would carry her around all day just so that she can be near me.
On days when I'm feeling down on myself, I've realized that I need to take a step back and look at what I've accomplished so far. A loving marriage and two adorable kids really aren't half bad!
While they continue to grow, so do I. It's crazy to me that Art and I just celebrated our 7 year wedding anniversary and in a month I'll be 32. Some days I feel like I've aged way more than I should have at this point in my life. Other days, I feel like I have a long way to go in my growing up process. I still get angry too quickly and I still "pout" when I don't get my way. But I also now know what it means to be a wife and mother. While I might get angry to quickly, I cherish the moments during the day when I get to sit back and relax (they're few and far between these days)! And while I may be slightly disappointed that I've traded a shopping spree for Kids Day at Centerra, I love seeing my girls smile when they're having pure fun.
The priorities have changed and so have I. Sometimes I lose sight of the things that make me happy and I don't know why. I have three constant reminders staring at me each and every day. I have a wonderful husband that worked hard to find a job for both of us to do from home so that we could spend more time together. I have a spunky four year old that mimics my every move because she looks up to me. And I have my precious 19 month old that wishes I would carry her around all day just so that she can be near me.
On days when I'm feeling down on myself, I've realized that I need to take a step back and look at what I've accomplished so far. A loving marriage and two adorable kids really aren't half bad!
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Surgery Date
On Monday the scheduler called to pick a date for Mia's Fontan surgery. Tuesday, September 17th. I got off the phone with her and I didn't know how to feel. It's a weird feeling. We wanted to know so badly when the surgery would be, but now that we know, I really don't want to know. I'm not even sure how that makes sense.
It's hard for me to wrap by brain around the fact that in about 3 months we'll be taking her in for her pre-op day on September 16th and then going in early the next morning for the surgery. Between now and then we will have one check-up in Broomfield in July. Aside from that we can enjoy the summer. For the last few days, every time I look at Mia, I can't help but think how hard this is going to be. And I know I'll have that thought every single day from now until surgery day.
It's hard for me to wrap by brain around the fact that in about 3 months we'll be taking her in for her pre-op day on September 16th and then going in early the next morning for the surgery. Between now and then we will have one check-up in Broomfield in July. Aside from that we can enjoy the summer. For the last few days, every time I look at Mia, I can't help but think how hard this is going to be. And I know I'll have that thought every single day from now until surgery day.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
In a few short months...
...we will be headed to Children's for Mia's third open heart, Fontan surgery.
After Mia was presented at the cardiologist meeting on Monday, our cardiologist let us know that we could pretty much have Mia's Fontan early this fall (September or October) or wait until early summer of next year.
While some might wonder, why wouldn't you wait and put it off as long as possible? That was not our thought. Mia is strong right now, she is big enough right now, we know exactly what needs to be fixed right now, although she will be younger than some, we feel there is less risk right now. We don't feel as though we want to chance it and wait with the possibility of something else happening. Her left pulmonary artery may continue to narrow and need intervention if we wait. She would need another cathiterization if we wait. Who knows what her heart function will do if we wait. While there are a lot of unknowns about after the surgery (no matter when she has it), we feel as though there could be even more unknowns in regard to her current health if we wait.
When we were told that our surgeon's first instinct was also to have it this year, we were on board. That was our deciding factor.
After Mia had her second open heart, the Glenn, she was doing fabulous one day and we thought she needed a transplant the next. There's no telling what can happen from one day to the next.
A scheduler from Children's will be calling me in the next few days to pick the actual date. Another date that will forever be etched in my memory, just like October 20th and March 1st. The dates of Mia's other two open heart surgeries. I love my baby girl so much. The first two times were extremely hard, but I think this one will be the hardest. We have our own fears, and now she has hers.
The discussion around this decision was very difficult, but now we know.
After Mia was presented at the cardiologist meeting on Monday, our cardiologist let us know that we could pretty much have Mia's Fontan early this fall (September or October) or wait until early summer of next year.
While some might wonder, why wouldn't you wait and put it off as long as possible? That was not our thought. Mia is strong right now, she is big enough right now, we know exactly what needs to be fixed right now, although she will be younger than some, we feel there is less risk right now. We don't feel as though we want to chance it and wait with the possibility of something else happening. Her left pulmonary artery may continue to narrow and need intervention if we wait. She would need another cathiterization if we wait. Who knows what her heart function will do if we wait. While there are a lot of unknowns about after the surgery (no matter when she has it), we feel as though there could be even more unknowns in regard to her current health if we wait.
When we were told that our surgeon's first instinct was also to have it this year, we were on board. That was our deciding factor.
After Mia had her second open heart, the Glenn, she was doing fabulous one day and we thought she needed a transplant the next. There's no telling what can happen from one day to the next.
A scheduler from Children's will be calling me in the next few days to pick the actual date. Another date that will forever be etched in my memory, just like October 20th and March 1st. The dates of Mia's other two open heart surgeries. I love my baby girl so much. The first two times were extremely hard, but I think this one will be the hardest. We have our own fears, and now she has hers.
The discussion around this decision was very difficult, but now we know.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
On Pins and Needles
Tomorrow morning our doctor is supposed to be presenting Mia at a meeting with all the other cardiologists at Children's Hospital and they will (hopefully) be deciding when it is best for Mia's surgery to take place. Right now, it sounds like our surgeon would prefer that it be early this fall in September or early October.
We don't think that much will be decided at this meeting that will change how our surgeon feels to where they would wait until next year, but you never know. We haven't been very sure about much lately from what our cardiologist is telling us.
Although it kind of feels like we already have our answer, I feel uneasy about getting the call tomorrow that could tell us for sure. That call could then lead to a scheduler calling to actually pick a date. That scares me.
It's a double edged sword. We want to know so much when the surgery will be so that we don't keep guessing or wondering. But at the same time, once the decision is made, it means the surgery is going to be scheduled and it becomes very, very real. Every time my phone rings tomorrow, I know my heart will leap out of my chest and I'll get butterflies in my stomach.
We don't think that much will be decided at this meeting that will change how our surgeon feels to where they would wait until next year, but you never know. We haven't been very sure about much lately from what our cardiologist is telling us.
Although it kind of feels like we already have our answer, I feel uneasy about getting the call tomorrow that could tell us for sure. That call could then lead to a scheduler calling to actually pick a date. That scares me.
It's a double edged sword. We want to know so much when the surgery will be so that we don't keep guessing or wondering. But at the same time, once the decision is made, it means the surgery is going to be scheduled and it becomes very, very real. Every time my phone rings tomorrow, I know my heart will leap out of my chest and I'll get butterflies in my stomach.
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